#BeenRapedNeverReported: Why I blog anonymously

In 2014 this hashtag became viral on Twitter. I recently found out, because I don’t have twitter. Let me first say that I think it’s a good thing this went viral. I feel this issue doesn’t have enough attention within our governments/police etc. But it is so important that the law/procedures will change, so more rapists/abusers can get caught. I already wrote about this before. Sometimes it feels to me as if the current procedure is like an invitation for the perps. You don’t get caught, so why not do it if you’re a pervert? This hashtag can apply to both men and women.

Despite this being a good thing, it might not be suited for your situation to join in. At first glance I didn’t realize this, but if I had twitter I shouldn’t have done this. The stigma is too big. There are people who know (partially) about my history of being sexually abused. Mainly professionals. Sometimes I regret I told it, because of the way they put it in your (medical/psychological) file. Such a big secret and it is right there on the first page of my first gynaecologist consultation. But overall it helps that some people know about it. Especially that my partner knows it, because he helps me tremendously with it and overall the burden became less. It also helps when doctors know I have PTSD (they usually don’t know why), because they might understand my behaviour better and why I only want women and don’t like being touched. This does depend on the person though, not everyone can deal with it/me.

However, putting it on twitter means basically everyone can read it, google it forever, and it’s under your name. This might have negative consequences, although it shouldn’t be this way. For example: e told the best friend of my partner I was raped, since he was having contact with one of my rapists and we wanted him to know why we couldn’t attend parties. But he didn’t believe me and spread the rumour among other people, such as people at school. I’m still having negative consequences because of that, which made me cautious. This information is now on a more strict need-to-know basis.

It helps me to read the stories and advice of other people. I also have this urge to help other people. To share my story, so maybe it won’t happen to other people or maybe if it already happened it makes the burden slightly less. To make myself a bit less vulnerable I blog anonymously. It doesn’t feel anonymous to me though. I talk about everything and I don’t change facts. I’m very open. All you don’t know is my adress and my full name. If someone who knows me, finds my blog, he/she will immediately know it’s me. I hope this is a good solution, despite all the articles on blogging who state you should never do it anonymously. Just because it is anonymous, doesn’t mean it isn’t true or not personal.

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[Picture with the text: We believe you #beenrapedneverreported.]

I sincerely hope this hashtag doesn’t apply to you. If it does I hope you can find some solace in for example online communities such as blogs. Do what is best for you and your situation, general guidelines don’t have to apply to you (in my experience they usually don’t).

Dark thoughts: Is rape a lesser crime than murder?

What do you think? I’m just not sure, whether torture or rape (which is, in my opinion, a form of torture) is less than murder. Rape and murder “changes” lives and usually not only the one from the victim. It can both end lives and it is both unwillingly. Sometimes, when I feel very bad, I think that rape + murder would be better for the victim (such as me). Almost as if that is more merciful for the victim. Because now I’m and will be punished for life. You can never truly forget it and that can really bother me sometimes. Rape is just so horrendous, you can’t imagine it unless you’ve been through it. Even then it can still be different and I do not mean ‘less awful’. It could have happened multiple times, maybe multiple people, maybe outside or inside, maybe with a gun to your head etc.

I think you can never truly imagine how it specifically went and felt for the victim, except for the victim. This makes it harder for the victim to “process” and to get the proper care and responses and everything else you need. On the other hand, that might be better for our loved ones. My partner is very emphatitic, I’ve never experienced someone who can imagine it so well as he can. And this can really eat him up, damage him too. It’s awful to see that, but we agreed that I still can talk about it (even in detail) when I feel the need, or when it’s necessary (when I’m cropping everything up and avoiding everything etc.).

I think I can never fully decide on which is worse. It partially depends on my mood of course. I’m not always thinking this dark. Overall, I’ve improved a lot and am hardly depressed anymore, which I wrote about before. Somehow this week is different, but I’m still not feeling depressed every day, which I’m very happy about. I’m just in one of my regular fallbacks and I also know how this one got triggered.

Back to the subject, I’m sorry for going off topic. The question whether rape is truly a lesser crime than murder, popped into my head because I read something. Apparently there was once a game made, which was called Rapelay. I really don’t want to get into details a lot and I wish I never came across the page about controversial video games. I think you can imagine what it is about, but it probably is worse… Let’s just say that it’s a game where it is your objective to rape. Thank god it got banned, after 3 years or so. But the makers of the game defended against the ban by saying that rape is a (far/much) lesser crime than murder and there are many games in which you kill. I think it is different for a video game if you shoot a few pixels from a distance or torture/rape them in excruciating detail while having plenty of options to do so and having to make every movement. But I actually didn’t want to write about game violence and which one is worse blahblahblah (which doesn’t mean that I think it’s unimportant, it’s just not what I’m focusing on right now).

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[Picture of a campfire and the text: What’s worse rape or murder].

What do you think? Is rape a lesser crime than murder? Might it sometimes be better for the victim if he/she would be killed afterwards? We probably all know the tv episodes/movie scenes in which people “jokingly” say that if the other person is going to rape and murder them, if they would please do the murdering part first. Which makes it sound as if dead is better than being raped. And I don’t mean that all rape victims should kill themselves, or if anyone should for that matter. I’m just theoretically wondering, it’s not something I want to actually put in practice. But sometimes I think I (and not only me) would have been better off killed (in this case I mean by someone other than myself).