I was inspired by this post written in Dutch, to think about how my suicidal thoughts/tendencies felt. In this post she challenges you to write about it. It’s not something you easily speak about and I can imagine it might be helpful to know more about how someone really feels or thinks at that time. I’ve had severe depression in the past and have been suicidal for a very long time. I’m very glad I can say ‘in the past’, although I have to admit that sometimes I still can become a bit suicidal or depressed. But that’s nothing in comparison as how it used to be. In the past I could never feel any positive things. The most positive feeling I could get was emptiness with a slightly less negative undertone. I would do things that would be fun, but couldn’t feel it. Now I can and I’m very grateful for that. However I’ll have to keep practising to not slip back.
Usually I become down when ‘bad things’ happened and I’m put on a lot of stress. Things I partially don’t have any influence on, such as school and things doctors or my supervisors/nurses decide (we live ‘protected’) but are bad for me. Another big factor is when my body is/I am exhausted. It’s difficult when you’re unable to do anything (not evening listening to music) to keep up the positive thoughts. Especially when I became exhausted because of something ‘small’, such as 1 hour at school. I also hate it if I make my partner feel bad, which usually happens because I overreact on something someone did and I become (a bit) paranoid. That I can become paranoid quicker than others is part of my PTSD. I find it difficult to keep my emotions under control, but so far haven’t found a therapist/supervisor who can really work with me on that.
When I’m down, suddenly all the positive feelings I might have had are gone. The prevailing feeling is a negative emptiness. Although I’ll have ‘breaks’ of anger or sadness or anxiety too, but the negative emptiness will remain. I see no future, or at least not a good one. My head is being flushed by thoughts/images of all the bad things that have happened to me and might happen in the future. I intensely feel how bad my body is and how I’ll never be able to do all the things other people can (seemingly easy) do. Which is not how I look at my disabilities usually. I want the suffering to end and I don’t want to live anymore. I can’t take care of myself anymore, don’t want to either, because there’s no point… I can’t feel anymore how I used to think before this state (which is positive). I don’t believe that I thought like that, I don’t believe or feel that there can be good things in life too. It feels like I was confused when I was positive. It’s just all gone.
[Photo of a black/dark flower with raindrops on it. The photo has a black/even darker background.]
What has been different since I’m together with my partner, is that I’ll tell him I’m feeling like that. Which usually starts like: Can I cut myself? Or something like that. That’s a good thing, although I’m not there yet. I still wait too long (for example an hour), because I should say it immediately when I’m starting to feel worse, before I reach this state.
My partner helps me to get through these moments and he can cheer me up again. When it’s starting to fade, I can feel I don’t want to actually die, but just want the suffering to end. Soon, I realize I don’t want to leave my partner. He’s the best thing that ever happened in my life and I love him so much, I can’t hurt him like that. That’s when the tears come and I’ll feel intense guilt, because of my extreme selfishness. With him I might have a good future. Like my partner said last time when I asked if it would be worth it for us two to keep living: we’ll make our time on this earth together worthwile.