A while ago I was wondering about the topic forgiveness. Is it necessary for healing to forgive an abuser? I was confused. Many people were ‘blaming’ me, because I actually didn’t agree with this saying. Those ‘conversations’ would hurt me.
I talked a lot about it with my partner. Thankfully, he and I have the same opinion on this matter. He would reassure me. I’ve also come across several blogposts from people sharing my opinion. Both my partner and the posts helped me a lot. It made me realize that I’m not the bad guy for not forgiving everything.
There might be things that you can’t forgive. We say everything will be forgiven and a person can’t be as bad as his worst deed. This might be partially true, but it’s also our hope. Our hope when we do something that we regret, we won’t have to suffer forever. However, whether something can be forgiven or not depends on the abuser and the survivor. And not everything has to be forgiven. I know, we actually don’t want to hear and know that. But there are horrible deeds that can’t be forgiven, especially if the person keeps going like it afterwards. Has no regret at all and would do it again immediately when given the chance.
Sometimes I can forgive people after a short period of time (for example 1 day). Sometimes it takes several years. And I think there might be some thing(s) I’ll never forgive. This doesn’t bother me. I was confused and were hurting myself, because I wasn’t forgiving everything. I thought it bothered me that I hadn’t forgiven everything, everyone for the massive amount of (sexual) abuse they gave me. But that wasn’t true. I realized that I was bothered by the people blaming ME. Making me the bad guy, saying I would be worse than the abuser, because I wouldn’t simply forgive everything, everyone, all the time.
[Drawing of a person sitting on a bar stool with all sort of knives, needles and scissors in his back. Next to the person is the text: Don’t blame me for my trust issue!]
Some people might need to forgive everything to heal. But I’ve discovered that I’m not one of those people. I can’t say if it’s the same for everyone, but I think that eventually everyone can do this. I think people confuse ‘not forgiving’ with ‘ being angry about it every second of my entire life’. Which is clearly not the same.
I really don’t understand the people who say so many hurtful things to survivors. Just because they don’t understand what they mean, what they feel and what works best for them (which only the person itself can know). All I can think of is that those people don’t want to truly think about it. Truly imagine it and most of them probably can’t imagine it completely, even if you would tell them in detail. I’ve talked about that before on my blog. Realizing that helps me. It helps me with letting go. Because it’s not always me or my fault. Some people are just, well I don’t know a good word to describe it.. But I’m pretty sure you understand what I mean. They are dumb in a certain way and mean. They are very narrow-minded. And you can’t change someone. You can guide someone into changing, but only if they are willing.
My partner can imagine and understand everything from my abuse. It’s a blessing and a curse. It really helps, because he doesn’t even need words from me to know what’s going on and help me. And at the same time, seeing him hurt so much, because he can imagine it so vividly… I understand why people wouldn’t want that. They might hurt almost as much as the survivor when it happened.
But still, a bit more compassion and imagination from some people, wouldn’t hurt me 😉
[Image of a smiling Spongebob with his hands in the air and a rainbow coming out of his hands. Below him is the word: Imagination.]