Reblog: guest post #9: You are beautiful and loveable no matter what the narc says.

You can find my very first guest post here! It’s at the same time, the first time I’ve written about narcissistic abuse.

Lucky Otters Haven

Mel (Hippo 256) writes a blog called The Enability Blog about living with a number of disabilities, including PTSD. I’ll just let Mel’s About Page speak for itself:

Hi there, thank you for reading my blog. I really appreciate you’re taking the time. I’m a female and 21 years old. I love languages and study (amongst other things) English, Dutch, German and French (want to do Spanish someday too). I’ve got a couple of chronic diseases and disabilities, but you’ll find out more about that when you’re reading my blog. It’s too many to just sum up, but I can give away that I have chronic pain, chronic fatigue, rheumatism (fibromyalgia) and some other physical diseases and disabilities. I also have been diagnosed with PTSD.

I live together with my boyfriend/partner (my fellow Hippo), who’s also physically disabled, including a couple chronic diseases and a recurring depression. He supports me…

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3 thoughts on “Reblog: guest post #9: You are beautiful and loveable no matter what the narc says.

  1. Mel, this post is wonderful. You are very brave and wise. Wise to figure out what happened to you, and brave to tell it. This kind of courage can help change the world for the better, one story at a time.

    I have had many relationships like you describe. I was in my fifties when I finally began to figure out why I kept attracting abusers and users. This type seems so wonderful and loving at first, until the mask comes off. I thought the problem was me. I thought I was somehow bringing out the worst in these people. That’s what my malignant narcissist momster told me, as she gleefully pointed out that I was the common denominator in all my abusive relationships.

    It took me to the age of fifty, when I finally found a wonderful, wise, compassionate and empathetic therapist to learn that the common denominator in my failed relationships was that I had zero self-esteem, thanks to my abusive parents, and also thanks to them, I had been “groomed” from my earliest childhood tolerate abuse and be subservient to abusers.

    For most of my life, the worse I was treated, the harder I tried to please the abuser.

    You are amazing for figuring this out so young! I know that telling your story is hard. But I also know that your story can help save many other perpetual victims from a lifetime of pain and sorrow. ((HUG))

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your very kind comment. I’m glad it seems to be a good idea to speak up about it. I shouldn’t be burdened anymore with all the shame about this, which other people throw on me. Rape in a relationship is possible and this wasn’t even a relationship – just a façade.

      It’s like they have a sensor for ‘damaged’ people. What I wrote was true, I immediately thought ‘nope’. However, I was living in a facility for young people with a disability or mental issues and they kept telling me to not trust the things I feel. I was supposedly too untrusting of people. So I had learned to not trust my mind or my body. If only I hadn’t been told that for years.. If only I did trust my instincts.. Oh well, thinking like that won’t change anything.

      Oh yeah, so many people saying you’re the problem (because that’s the easiest). The abuser only has to add to that. And then you think it is your fault the ‘relationship’ doesn’t work out and you keep going over more of your boundaries, because you really want to fix it.

      I’m sorry you also have had a lot of childhood abuse, which does make us (a lot) more vulnerable. Yeah, I kept trying harder to please too!
      Thank you, although I haven’t done it all alone (my partner helped and still helps me a lot).

      You inspired me to talk about it, although I still left a lot out. I didn’t want to make it unsettling for people to read. I’m still getting used to that, not telling everything. A lot of things seem so normal to me, but apparently aren’t. It’s one of the reasons why I have trouble connecting with others, who haven’t been through the same kind of things.

      I truly hope it will help others. But I don’t think I should talk about it at my school… Pretty sure he’ll give me a visit and he still has friends there.. I think I want to talk about it, educate/inform people so they can protect themselves. Although sometimes I get back in old patterns and try to act like it never happened. But I also think I should stay anonymous while sharing. I hope people won’t say that makes my story unbelievable. It’s a pity so many people won’t look further than their own experiences.

      Thanks again for your comment. It reassures me that this was a good thing to do.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree that it is a good idea to maintain our anonymity online and also in our personal life. (Linda Lee is my pen name.) I also agree that sharing some of the most painful details of our abuse on a public forum may not be the best way to do it, because it could be upsetting to some people

        I think you handled it very well. You didn’t tell too much or too little, in my opinion.

        What you said about some people maybe not believing your trauma story — this is something I have worried a lot about, that people won’t believe my true story. But something that two people told me awhile back has helped me not to worry so much about not being believed.

        One friend, who does believe me, said: “Maybe you are afraid people won’t believe you because YOU have a hard time believing that so many terrible things really did happen to you.” I thought about it and I knew he was right. Yes, I KNOW these things actually happened. But so many really awful things happened that, in a way, it is hard for me to believe it, you know what I mean? It would be like being in a very bad accident and on the way to the hospital, the ambulance gets in a bad accident, and now you are in a second ambulance and that one gets in a bad accident, and you say “I DON’T FREAKING BELIEVE THIS! Am I dreaming?” And yet your injuries and pain are all too real to be denied.

        Then a year or two ago another friend told me: “Try not to worry about the people who won’t believe you. There are people today who still don’t believe that astronauts ever really walked on the moon. There are always going to be people who refuse to believe things, if it’s way beyond what they have personally experienced. But that’s ok. The people who can relate to your story, the people who need to believe you, will believe you.”

        It helps me to remember what these two friends said. I hope it will help you, too. I am currently writing my memoir. I know some people won’t believe my real life story. But I have decided that’s ok. I know it’s true and the people who need to believe it, the people who can relate, will know it, too. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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