Please, don’t leave me

I’m sure a lot of you can relate to certain ‘mood swings’. Sometimes you’re positive and sometimes negative. When I feel positive, I feel like that’s the real me. Other sides than the calm, happy, positive me feel like they’re just diseases. But that’s not what this post is about. When I feel good, I feel like I have almost no issues. I feel so strong and have improved so much in the past few years. But there’s the catch. Sometimes, I forget that this is mainly thanks to my partner. And when he isn’t around, it’s almost as if 75% or more of all those things we worked on, are gone.

Usually my anxiety of him leaving, or me leaving without him, is in my thoughts daily. More like every minute. But sometimes, when we’ve been together non-stop for quite some time, I start to forget this. This seems nice, but it has a catch. It hits back extra hard and usually right on the moment we’re departing or when it (just) happened.

My partner and I are working on this issue. A problem like this requires both people involved. And even if it wasn’t necessary, I would have still discussed my thoughts and feelings with him and asked for advice. When I think about my fear and how severe it is, it’s so saddening. Maybe also ridiculous, I know a lot of people think of it as ridiculous. That’s also why I don’t talk about it a lot. Recently, I saw quite some blogposts about this subject and I felt like I wanted to open up about this too. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

I know, we know, that it isn’t ridiculous. My issue has good reasons. He’s always there to protect me and already did so many times. And when he wasn’t there bad things happened, really bad things. He also is the only one who can really help me, with everything. When my body is not working properly, or when I have panic attacks or am depressed/suicidal etc. I’m not trying to find an excuse for my problem, so I don’t have to work on it. Even though I had good reasons, it still needs to change, at least a bit. That last part is important for me to remember. Just because we need to reduce this problem, doesn’t mean that I can’t see him anymore. We live together and we will still spend a lot of time together, because we both want that and enjoy that. But I do need to be able to go to school and stay there for my classes on my own. To drive on my own. And that my partner can go grocery shopping for an hour, without me freaking out. Oh and not thinking all the time that he’ll die when I’m gone (or he’s gone) would be a good thing too.

[Cartoon of a boy holding himself to a tree, while his mother is trying to pull him away, holding his legs. The boy looks scared and the woman sad. In the background stands a school bus. The text on the cartoon says: First day of school].
To make this apply to my situation, it should read: almost every day of school.

Sometimes it feels like I’m making progress. This weekend it went remarkably well. I went to my parents without him and I went to the thrift shop (I love that). And sometimes it feels like the progress is just a lie. Some weekends it just goes plain awful. Last week, I had to return early (already on Friday evening) and when he went grocery shopping on Sunday I freaked out like I never freaked out before…

I don’t think I should think of it as a lie. It’s good to remember and accept the times that go well and the times that go wrong. I just need to pay more attention to the times that went well (that’s tricky). Preparation for the moments that I’ll be without him is very important to me. And making sure that I’ll have enough distraction for the time.
Now I feel like I can ‘beat’ this issue, since it went so well. I know I’ll feel the opposite too. That’s ok. When my partner and I compare me now (in general) with a few years ago, we can say I’ve improved (although that’s still difficult for me to see). It goes slowly and it’s important to keep looking at the big picture. Don’t compare every day. If you have this seperation anxiety and fear of someone dying too, then I hope you’ll allow me to say that we can both reduce our problems. And know that it isn’t stupid that you have this. It had a function, but now it’s not necessary anymore (at least not in that big amount). We can do this and we deserve that. Stay strong!


[Image saying: Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it]

Photo source 1
Photo source 2


6 thoughts on “Please, don’t leave me

  1. My youngest has Autism and she suffers from this as well. Sometimes it’s so bad that I will find her curled up in the middle night on my legs in fear that something might happen to me and I not be here when she wakes up. My children have seen me taken from our home unconscious on a stretcher. Not knowing if they would ever see alive again. The fear of me not making it is real. But we can’t live like it’s a part of our family. No we have to live each day to the fullest and not focus on the what ifs of it all. Anxiety is a hard one to deal with. But with the proper support system you can do it.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m sorry your child and you have to go through that (too). I agree. I know it’s very hard, but I also know we can overcome it together, everyone can. Fears often have a real reason, but it still shouldn’t ‘invade’ your life. We will regret it if we don’t live our lifes to the fullest, including the time with our dear ones.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh…. my goodness. This is me, and my husband. We both have severe PTSD and we depend on each other. Because his PTSD was caused by combat in Vietnam and my PTSD was caused by childhood and early adulthood trauma and abuse, our issues are very different and our triggers are also very different. This is a good thing, because we almost never get triggered at the same time.

    But being apart from each other is hard on both of us. Last week I drove over 500 miles, by myself, to visit my daughter for four days. It was hard for me to be away from my BFH (best friend husband), but at least I had the distraction of being with my daughter and the two of us talking, eating out, and sight seeing. But my poor hubby… when I got back home, I discovered that he had not changed his clothes in those four days. He was still wearing the same pjs he had on when I had left! Also, the only meals he had eaten were brought to him by his daughter, my stepdaughter, who lives in our travel trailer in our back yard. I think she brought him 3 meals during those four days, and my husband told me that’s all he ate! He did manage to take proper care of our sweet little rescue dog, but other than that, he didn’t get out of the recliner except to go to the bathroom.

    When my husband travels without me, which he typically does at least six times a month for his veteran doctor and therapy appointments, I get almost as bad as he did last week when I was gone. It’s especially hard on me because two years ago this month, when my husband was a couple of hundred miles away in Albuquerque, he had a motorcycle accident going at least 60 mph on the highway. His bike was totaled, his helmet was destroyed, his right arm and hand were broken, and he almost lost his right leg. He was in the hospital for 13 days on IV antibiotic to treat an infection in his injured leg. Being a diabetic, the risk of losing his leg to the infection was really high. Thank God, my husband has healed physically from those injuries, but cognitively he hasn’t been quite the same since that accident, which is a loss. I am very glad his motorcycle was destroyed. He wanted to buy a new bike with the insurance money because he said that when he was riding was the only time he was free of his PTSD. But that was his second bike accident since 2012 — the first one wasn’t that bad, it happened at very slow speed, but still — so I told him that if he did get another bike, I was leaving him! So now he does a lot of fishing for fun, instead. That, and computer solitaire.

    What you said about the fear of your husband dying every time he leaves you. Oh my God. Yes. Yes. I had that fear even before my husband’s bad accident. The day he left on that trip I was terrified and I kept taking his picture. Now when he leaves he is driving a big safe SUV but still I worry that I won’t ever see him again. Whew.

    Sucks to be us sometimes, doesn’t it?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my, I can totally understand why you guys don’t want to be alone! It really is hard and sucks donkeyballs xD (my partner sometimes says that).
      When I have to drive and he really can’t come along, we always call (hands-free). And I have a photo of us in my car.
      Ah yes, sometimes I ‘forget’ about how it must be like for him. Because it’s already very hard for me and I’m trying to distract myself. Although he seems to have less problems with leaving than I do. He doesn’t mind being alone, he is just worried that I’ll do something stupid because of the PTSD.
      It’s very difficult for him to take good care of himself, so that’s something I really have to focus on without pushing him too much.
      Take good care of yourselves! I hope you can keep supporting each other and be happy πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you.

        I realized after I posted my comment that I referred to your partner as your husband. Sorry about that. πŸ™‚

        Although my hubby and I both have had PTSD for many decades — our symptoms go way back to our teen years, if not earlier — neither of us were diagnosed until a few years ago. So we spent most of our lives not knowing what in the heck was wrong with us, we thought we were just “crazy.” But now we know that we really aren’t crazy at all, because PTSD is a normal reaction to severely abnormal trauma, just as bleeding is a normal reaction to being stabbed.

        We have also learned that PTSD can and does get better, with safety, proper understanding, and the right kind of compassionate treatment. We are both much better than we used to be, thanks to finally getting diagnosed and getting help. Hopefully, since you are already so very self aware at your young age, you will be in much better shape by the time you reach your golden years.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh that’s no problem! I wish I could call him husband, lol. Boyfriend doesn’t sound right to me, like ‘it’s just a boyfriend’ and he’s much more. That’s why I call him my (life)partner, which seems more equal to husband.
        Glad you’ve improved and found the right help. I hope that will continue for you. It gives us survivors hope πŸ˜‰

        Ah yes, I had been wondering since I was about 5 why I was so different and this kept increasing. I can imagine that it took much longer for you guys, which is (sadly) normal. Maybe us ‘educating’ people about it will help to decrease the ‘waiting time’.
        Now I can place it all a bit more, thanks to the explanations of my partner. That does help, but sometimes it’s still frustrating that I’m so different. It makes communication difficult.

        I’ve tried several things, but so far only my partner is good/the right help for me. But that’s ok. I can see some improvement as well, but not always. Sometimes it all feels so endless and negative, but I’ve more positive than negative days, which is great (used to have depression and dysthymia).
        I hope you’ll have a nice day.


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