I’m sure a lot of you can relate to certain ‘mood swings’. Sometimes you’re positive and sometimes negative. When I feel positive, I feel like that’s the real me. Other sides than the calm, happy, positive me feel like they’re just diseases. But that’s not what this post is about. When I feel good, I feel like I have almost no issues. I feel so strong and have improved so much in the past few years. But there’s the catch. Sometimes, I forget that this is mainly thanks to my partner. And when he isn’t around, it’s almost as if 75% or more of all those things we worked on, are gone.
Usually my anxiety of him leaving, or me leaving without him, is in my thoughts daily. More like every minute. But sometimes, when we’ve been together non-stop for quite some time, I start to forget this. This seems nice, but it has a catch. It hits back extra hard and usually right on the moment we’re departing or when it (just) happened.
My partner and I are working on this issue. A problem like this requires both people involved. And even if it wasn’t necessary, I would have still discussed my thoughts and feelings with him and asked for advice. When I think about my fear and how severe it is, it’s so saddening. Maybe also ridiculous, I know a lot of people think of it as ridiculous. That’s also why I don’t talk about it a lot. Recently, I saw quite some blogposts about this subject and I felt like I wanted to open up about this too. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.
I know, we know, that it isn’t ridiculous. My issue has good reasons. He’s always there to protect me and already did so many times. And when he wasn’t there bad things happened, really bad things. He also is the only one who can really help me, with everything. When my body is not working properly, or when I have panic attacks or am depressed/suicidal etc. I’m not trying to find an excuse for my problem, so I don’t have to work on it. Even though I had good reasons, it still needs to change, at least a bit. That last part is important for me to remember. Just because we need to reduce this problem, doesn’t mean that I can’t see him anymore. We live together and we will still spend a lot of time together, because we both want that and enjoy that. But I do need to be able to go to school and stay there for my classes on my own. To drive on my own. And that my partner can go grocery shopping for an hour, without me freaking out. Oh and not thinking all the time that he’ll die when I’m gone (or he’s gone) would be a good thing too.
[Cartoon of a boy holding himself to a tree, while his mother is trying to pull him away, holding his legs. The boy looks scared and the woman sad. In the background stands a school bus. The text on the cartoon says: First day of school].
To make this apply to my situation, it should read: almost every day of school.
Sometimes it feels like I’m making progress. This weekend it went remarkably well. I went to my parents without him and I went to the thrift shop (I love that). And sometimes it feels like the progress is just a lie. Some weekends it just goes plain awful. Last week, I had to return early (already on Friday evening) and when he went grocery shopping on Sunday I freaked out like I never freaked out before…
I don’t think I should think of it as a lie. It’s good to remember and accept the times that go well and the times that go wrong. I just need to pay more attention to the times that went well (that’s tricky). Preparation for the moments that I’ll be without him is very important to me. And making sure that I’ll have enough distraction for the time.
Now I feel like I can ‘beat’ this issue, since it went so well. I know I’ll feel the opposite too. That’s ok. When my partner and I compare me now (in general) with a few years ago, we can say I’ve improved (although that’s still difficult for me to see). It goes slowly and it’s important to keep looking at the big picture. Don’t compare every day. If you have this seperation anxiety and fear of someone dying too, then I hope you’ll allow me to say that we can both reduce our problems. And know that it isn’t stupid that you have this. It had a function, but now it’s not necessary anymore (at least not in that big amount). We can do this and we deserve that. Stay strong!
[Image saying: Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it]